Meeting Yourself Where You Want to Be

Sometimes what you’re manifesting just ain’t it. How do you know? You have an uneasy feeling in your stomach. Things aren’t flowing. Maybe you’ve received bad advice. Or maybe you have second guessed yourself for the umpteenth time.

Success. It’s something we all want and crave. We have visions of what it looks like when we are kids. We announce that we’re going to live in a BIG house one day. Or have a five-car garage. Or be able to buy all of the candy we want. We think of trinkets and pleasures. And then when we become adults, we find that it takes more effort, mental power, time, sacrifice, and energy than we ever thought to simply — BECOME who it is we want to be. “Just life” some would say.

There are no role models for becoming you. There may be great people just beyond your reach who you see in magazines or speaking at a podium. You think, “I want to be him/her one day…” but you really don’t know what that looks like for YOUR life.

REFLECTION

Do you ever look back on your life and think — is this what I was supposed to create? You see years of toiling, struggle, disappointments, and setbacks, and wonder if any of it was worth it? How do you judge your success? Is it the ability to pay your bills? Is it providing your family with annual vacations? Is it being able to buy name brand clothing and accessories? Or is it socking away hundreds or thousands each month in savings and investing a portion of your income?

Stability and security. I judge everything by it. I have been a very good planner. Ambitious, actively earning advanced degrees and working my way up in education, or so I thought. But in the past, I had a setback that shook me to the core and made me rethink my daily “grind.” I wanted my life to have more meaning and more joy too. I wanted work to be fun and relationships with others to bring a smile on my face. But the way I had been going for years, threatened to derail that. I found a way to release the things that didn’t serve me, but honestly, it’s a lifelong process. Does anyone ever really master it?

No one tells you not to overwork. As a matter of fact, being an African American woman, you’re expected to overwork. You’re expected to overwork, around the clock, and maybe get a little me time in on the side. You’re expected to shoulder the pain and drama of others and to ignore the telltale signs that you yourself may not be “good.”

The joy on the side becomes less and less apart of your life. Until you’re no longer a whole. You’re a “side” of yourself. Scary. Because society, family, and everyone expects you to take care of business even doing so at your own peril. You will burn out until you stop to reflect and realign.

What moves me now is doing work that I love, that I’m passionate about whether writing, speaking, producing, or working in education. Work that is sustaining for me and gives back to others. My focus has been higher education in recent years, but I have to give gratitude to the years I spent in K-12 schools working with students in urban schools as a Teacher and Literacy Specialist. I thought I was successful as an educator then. I had students who told me so and who have since sent me emails about what they are doing now. Despite my service in education, I still believe I have a ways to go before I “meet myself” and arrive in the place where I always imagined myself to be. Why is it we always move the mark even farther for ourselves, even after we’ve done so much? It must be human nature. A person’s worst critic is themselves. We reflect on our lives with a magnifying glass, thinking “If only …”

How do you measure success? Is it found in your head, hand, or heart? Is it found in your bank account or at the wheel of the car you drive? Is it in the degrees you have or the titles you hold? Is it in your faith or your relationships? Are you where you want to be in life? Is there anything you can do differently to “get there?” Have you finally become your own role model? If you have finally become your own role, KUDOS to you, your inner child is winking back at you for sure.

Quiet thoughts and questions to ponder. Maybe it means something. Maybe it means nothing at all.

DuEwa Frazier is a writer, academic, dreamer, digital creator, and consultant. Visit www.duewafrazier.com.